As human beings, we all find ourselves in situations where we are unsure whether to stay in or leave a relationship. This could be a friendship, a romantic relationship, or a familial relationship. When the bond is close and there is a perceived obligation to maintain a relationship (e.g., in families), this decision can be extremely difficult.
How can we handle this?
Of course, there is nuance in every situation. But here are some thought-provoking questions you can ask yourself during the decision-making process:
- Does this person introduce more positives or more negatives into your life?
- Has this person ever seriously hurt you (emotionally or physically)? If they did, did it
happen again? (Consider that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.) - Would you say that the pain they have induced has been repeated? Or was this an
isolated incident? If it was isolated, how much distress did their behavior cause you on a
scale from 1 (not so distressing) to 10 (extremely distressing)? - How do they typically respond to your attempts to repair the relationship?
- Do you have it in you to put the effort into (another/a) repair attempt?
- What is there to lose if you discontinue this relationship?
- What is there to gain if you discontinue this relationship?
- What is there to lose if you continue in this relationship?
- What is there to gain if you continue in this relationship?
- What would you consider to be the “last straw”? That is, where do you typically draw
the line in relationships? - What do you value most in relationships? Does this person behave in ways that align
with those values more often than not? - In a similar situation with someone else in the past, how have you handled it? How did
that go?
Choosing to end a relationship can sometimes be an extremely difficult decision. That’s why it’s often helpful to really think through the pros and cons of each action (stay or leave), to take your time, and to prioritize your needs through patience, thoughtfulness, and self-compassion.
