Toxic or unhealthy relationships don’t always bear visible bruises, but can be just as damaging. A lot
of times it’s hard to know you’re in one until it has gone too far. In the 2010 CDC’s National Intimate
Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (Black et al., 2011), researchers found that nearly half of all adults,
about 48% of both men and women, reported experiencing psychological aggression from an intimate
partner at some point in their lifetime. A more recent 2016/2017 National Intimate Partner and
Sexual Violence Survey, which focused solely on women, (Leemis et al., 2022) found similar results,
with 49% of women reporting the same. So what are some features of such relationships? Keep in
mind this is not meant to be an exhaustive list, but these are some features one may see in an
emotionally abusive relationship:
Power and Control: We may be familiar with patterns of partners who dictate who you can speak to
and maintain relationships with, those who tell you what you can wear and where you can go. But this
also extends to partners who shield you from necessary or relevant information regarding major life
decisions, perhaps they don’t share information about the bank accounts or mortgage payments. By
some appearance it can seem like a partner who wants to take care of things so you don’t have to,
but ultimately you are left in the dark and feeling dependent on the relationship rather than leave.
Isolation: People don’t just wake up one morning and decide to cut off all their major support
systems. It is often a gradual process. Perhaps your partner begins to point out small issues in your
relationship with the other person, or maybe they make you feel small and unworthy of that
relationship. Maybe they become so upset with plans you create outside of your romantic
relationship that you find yourself avoiding these opportunities for socialization to prevent a fight.
Often times, abusive partners make it so that you find yourself on the outside of these supportive
relationships, and feel you have no one to turn to or lean on but them.
Gaslighting: This is a term that has gained significant popularity in recent years, though it is often
misused. The term originates from a 1938 play and a 1944 movie, “Gas Light”, in which a husband
hatches a plan to make his wife doubt her own experiences and reality, fearing herself to be crazy. To
gaslight someone is not when someone holds a different recollection of events or disagrees with you,
but when they intentionally manipulate you to question your own reality, until you believe you are
the problem or the one who is in the wrong. The way I once heard it framed was, a liar will eventually
come clean when presented with evidence of their wrong-doing, but a gaslighter will reverse the
blame onto you for daring to question them or look for such evidence in the first place.
Love-Bombing: This is another term that gets thrown around loosely. This occurs when partners
assault us with overwhelming displays of “love” or romance shortly into the relationship, that makes
us believe the relationship is more positive than it may be. This may be in the form of excessive
adoration, grand gestures, or undivided attention. It is a manipulation tactic that is designed for us to
lose insight and awareness of our own selves. Love bombing is not simply a relationship that moves
quickly, plenty of healthy relationships do. It’s a pattern in which overwhelming affection early on
functions as leverage. The tells are in what surrounds the intensity, not the intensity itself. Does the
adoration come with an expectation that you match it, and disappointment or hurt when you don’t?
Is asking to slow down treated as rejection? Do the grand gestures arrive alongside a push toward commitments: moving in, exclusivity, shared finances, before you’ve had time to know each other?
And does the attention change once you’re invested, so that you find yourself working to earn back a
version of the relationship you were shown at the start? Love bombing tends to be the opening move
of a cycle rather than a stable way of relating. The whirlwind isn’t the problem; the whirlwind that
stops the moment you’re committed, leaving you chasing it, is.
So why do we stay in these relationships? These behaviors are intended to make us feel dependent,
normalize our experiences as loving and healthy, or that we are in fact the problem and we should
feel thankful to our partner for staying in our lives. These dynamics seek to control. Additionally, we
may fall victim to a common thinking error called the “sunk-cost fallacy”, erroneously believing that
we should keep doing something because we have already spent so much time, money, or effort on it.
However, this is a paradox and mental trap designed to keep us stuck. Yes, we may have spent time,
money, or effort into that relationship that we cannot get back, the past has happened. However, no
amount of staying will turn a bad relationship good, but leaving does give us hope for a better future.
If you are thinking about leaving, consider talking to an advocate first. Separation is often the point at
which an abusive partner escalates, and having a plan (where you’ll go, who knows, what you’ll need
with you) is worth more than getting out fast.
If you recognized your relationship here, you may already be arguing with the recognition; it’s not
that bad, other people have it worse, you’re being dramatic. That argument is worth noticing. In
healthy relationships, people rarely have to work this hard to convince themselves they’re fine.
You don’t need certainty to start. You don’t need a name for what’s happening, and you don’t need to
have decided anything about leaving. You need one person outside the relationship who knows the
truth of it: a friend, a family member, a therapist, or an advocate who does this every day. Clarity
comes after you stop carrying it alone, not before.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or
text START to 88788. Loveisrespect.org offers the same support for young people ages 14-24.
I’ve spent much of my career working with people untangling relationships like the ones described
here. If that’s the kind of support you’re looking for, you can reach out to me at 917-382-0373 or
drpandit@conciergepsychology.com. I am licensed in CT, NY, and PSYPACT-authorized, so I can see
clients in most other states virtually.
References:
Black, M. C., Basile, K. C., Breiding, M. J., Smith, S. G., Walters, M. L., Merrick, M. T., Chen, J., &
Stevens, M. R. (2011). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010
summary report. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention.
Leemis, R. W., Friar, N., Khatiwada, S., Chen, M. S., Kresnow, M., Smith, S. G., Caslin, S., & Basile, K. C.
(2022). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 report on intimate
partner violence. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention.
